the new term for farting is butt boxing.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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