When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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