i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
