captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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