She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
