there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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