if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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