i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
