You're so nebulous sometimes
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
