I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
