Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
