I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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