All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
