thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
