worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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