hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
