got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
