He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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