I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
