Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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