I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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