a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need water and some morals
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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