I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
