Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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