I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
