im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
