Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
