i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
