awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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