Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
