why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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