so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
