I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
