I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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