Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
