as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Houston, we have a blender
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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