if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Don't EVER smell your tampon
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
