She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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