If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you didnt know i had herpes?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
