I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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