my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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