I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
