That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Your dad touched me again.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
