She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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