Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
