I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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