i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
