DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
