you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
