This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
