dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
