My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
