Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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