bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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