My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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