guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
