i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
